Double Post...
I have spoken to you for nearly 7 months now using this forum. We have come a long way..from the book first being published, to its journey in being picked up by the online bookstores. To deaths, cancers, wars, several rants on different subjects, and my daily life.
However: I haven't let you in. I learned today..from someone much wiser than me...that letting people in isn't a bad thing. So tonight...for the first time I think. You will read what I have to say. Nothing cryptic, nothing pretentious, nothing but the truth. This will probably be the last post where you get the real me for a while...so enjoy while you can. :)
I am at a point in my life where I am completely frustrated. I am not where I want to be. My family is wonderful..but not what I want us to be. I have people around me 24 hours a day..and the wall is building again. I am drawing away from those around me. Shutting down. I learned today that my son was involved in three seperate incidents at school. Three different people...three different incidents. All of them unacceptable. I spoke with his sobbing mother about what to do, and I just didnt know what to tell her. I spoke with my son. I told him I was disappointed. But, when he isn't around me all the time I question the validity I have in his life right now. I question the authority I have over his directions. When I do spend time with him, I show him how to live. How to love. How to be as responsible as I expect a 6 year old boy to be. He is falling short. I am at a loss. Worse? I have no direct contact with him. If you know me at all, and interestingly enough..most of you do by now. I am not with his mother...that phase of my life ended 6 years ago. When my son was 6 months old, his mother and I decided that it would never work. I figured for his sake..knowing it wasnt going to work..we should end things then. My son only knows one way..his mother and I love him..but not each other. I agree it must be a hard concept to follow. Parenting..is the most fucking frustrating thing I have ever done. It would be so easy to throw up my arms, walk away, and say good luck. My father once told me he had that feeling with me as I grew up. I kind of wish he wouldnt have told me that. I will never tell my son that I have those feelings occassionally. Now on the bright side, there are actually people who do walk away. And they are chicken shit. I hate them. I cannot be one of them. This isnt a cry for advice, just a cleansing of my frustration. I do feel better now than when I started...so I guess it worked.
I love you son. I will never give up on you. You will appreciate that about me someday.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming of cryptic one paragraph posts that are almost always completely self absorbed. I could go on...but I am tired...and I am empty..and I am tired...and I am empty
However: I haven't let you in. I learned today..from someone much wiser than me...that letting people in isn't a bad thing. So tonight...for the first time I think. You will read what I have to say. Nothing cryptic, nothing pretentious, nothing but the truth. This will probably be the last post where you get the real me for a while...so enjoy while you can. :)
I am at a point in my life where I am completely frustrated. I am not where I want to be. My family is wonderful..but not what I want us to be. I have people around me 24 hours a day..and the wall is building again. I am drawing away from those around me. Shutting down. I learned today that my son was involved in three seperate incidents at school. Three different people...three different incidents. All of them unacceptable. I spoke with his sobbing mother about what to do, and I just didnt know what to tell her. I spoke with my son. I told him I was disappointed. But, when he isn't around me all the time I question the validity I have in his life right now. I question the authority I have over his directions. When I do spend time with him, I show him how to live. How to love. How to be as responsible as I expect a 6 year old boy to be. He is falling short. I am at a loss. Worse? I have no direct contact with him. If you know me at all, and interestingly enough..most of you do by now. I am not with his mother...that phase of my life ended 6 years ago. When my son was 6 months old, his mother and I decided that it would never work. I figured for his sake..knowing it wasnt going to work..we should end things then. My son only knows one way..his mother and I love him..but not each other. I agree it must be a hard concept to follow. Parenting..is the most fucking frustrating thing I have ever done. It would be so easy to throw up my arms, walk away, and say good luck. My father once told me he had that feeling with me as I grew up. I kind of wish he wouldnt have told me that. I will never tell my son that I have those feelings occassionally. Now on the bright side, there are actually people who do walk away. And they are chicken shit. I hate them. I cannot be one of them. This isnt a cry for advice, just a cleansing of my frustration. I do feel better now than when I started...so I guess it worked.
I love you son. I will never give up on you. You will appreciate that about me someday.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming of cryptic one paragraph posts that are almost always completely self absorbed. I could go on...but I am tired...and I am empty..and I am tired...and I am empty
posted by Me, Im not at 8:53 PM
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