This is the week that brings me back to a memory of my lowest point thus far. I hope it is the lowest I will ever get. 2 years ago, I was as close to an alcoholic as you can get. I dont know how...but I got away from it.
I am not proud of my past. I tell you this because something is telling me I should say it...or more importantly, maybe someone needs to hear it. If its you. Pay attention.
I had gone through a job loss, was in an unhappy marriage, and had began to completely self-destruct. I was drinking daily. I was vommiting almost as often. Each night ended with a cold sweated walk to the restroom, and each day began with a relentless headache. When my kids were napping, I would swig from the bottle in the cupboard. I was buying a bottle of Segrams 7 about every other day. I would drink until I blacked out, passed out, or threw up. It was part of my daily self-medication attempt at remaining sane. I felt as though it was working.
June 15, 2004. Everyone who has ever had a problem, i mean a serious "holy fuck this is killing me" problem knows the day they finally realized their behavior wasn't good. They finally hit that point called "rock bottom". For me it was nearly two years ago.
The Detroit Pistons were in the NBA finals and I had a ticket to Game 5 (the night they won the NBA Championship). I left the office early, I had an appointment with a shrink, whom I had been seeing for a few weeks. I did it partly to get my wife off my back about this whole thing being my fault. Our communication had deteriorated to the point, I almost...never talked to her. At the time, I though she had lost interest in me, had given up on me, and I began to build a wall to block everything out. Everything except my alcohol.
At the game, it was a suite paid for by a company I had worked with quite a bit. It was carte blanch in their. Food and drinks were provided. I got in the suite, they asked what I wanted and I said I would take a Jack Daniels. They didnt have any so they ordred me a 45 dollar bottle( the rip you off in suites) of JD. I drank the 5th by myself. This would have put most people in the hospital, and I got close to it...but thank goodness it never got that far. That would have been way to easy for me.
I remember bits and pieces of the game. I remember the clock going to 0:00 and everyone screaming, and I remember all the confetti falling from the ceiling. For the next hour, I have no recollection. I do not know where I was, how I got to my car, who left with me, nothing. I do remember getting in the car. I took my keys and put them in the ignition. I knew it would be a rough trip home, but I was sure I could make it. Sadly, I had become quite good at drunk driving. I am so ashamed of this. I should delete this and post something about rainbows or happy things...but i won't.
I knew I was going to get sick, I opened my car door, still sitting in my seat and vommited violently outside my car. The Detroit Police approached me and asked me to get out of the car. Fade to black again. I dont know what happened for a moment or twenty, but I do remember saying, "You fucking pigs."
That was when it happened. I was dropped to the floor in about a millisecond. The burning in my back was so intense, I couldnt believe it. I remember the pain stopping, and just leaning against the car. The taser had been withdrawn from my skin. The officer took my cell phone and called my wife. She drove an hour at almost 4 in the morning to get me. My daughter was in the back sleeping. I felt like the father and husband of the year.
I ended up sleeping on a fold-away bed in the basement that night. To this day, I have never been so ashamed, so sick, and in so much pain in my life. I truly wished I could die right then.
Death...would have been too easy.
Wherever you are in your life right now. YOU ALONE HOLD THE KEY.
I was able to slap myself upside the head and shake out the cobwebs. I have found who I am, and what I am. That alone has made me a happier person. I have eliminated those things which gave my life the most stress, and that has made the situation much better. I have learned to communicate with my wife in a way I never knew possible. She is amazing. Without her support, I do not know where I would be today.
This is obviously the shortened version of this story. It is NOT embellished to make it read more like James Freys novel, my life was truly in a million little pieces, and I am not making shit up to seem tough. It is a humbling experience. I remember how I felt each morning. I remember how to breathe in a fast pattern to avoid puking in my sleep. It is amazing what you learn when you are on your way to hell.
It is amazing how adaptable we are. I was comfortable going through that horrible routine daily. It had in fact become natural for me. Thankfully, except for a few exceptions where I went beyond my limits, I have remained in control. It is a daily struggle for me. It always will be.
The experience taught me several things..but none more important than this:
Never, ever, ever, ever give up.
EJ Wasson
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